bad mood du jour

last nite i looked over sum other blogs to see what was goin on. it's been a while

i've been travelling.

i went to a doctor for antidepressants and he gave me a name of one to research. i suppose just the fact that i was there for me indicated that i felt the need for assistance and support, but he seemed to want me to research things first. i suppressed frustrating while he spoke:

find an all-consuming mission in life, he told me. emmerse yourself in something you consider very important and emotionally fascinating. that is the easiest cure for depression, he said.

hmmmm.

what can i say?

i can enumerate the difficulties that bring me to his office, and even play the victim if i thought it would do any good. it will not.

i can pretend i find his advice useful, since i already have utterly captivating ends to which i am devoted, and little or no comprehension of the nature of my difficulties.

can i NOT assume that they are chemical in nature, and that antidepressants, as an extreme option, are necessary in the wake of the failure of other means?? i do not care to mess about in causation since hateful hunting-down of causes and effects has proven completely useless and irrelevant to me. i simply care about becoming productive, happy and effective; about being able to sleep and eat regularly, be able to contribute to relationships, and create and enjoy prosperity.

god i could say this to myself a thousand times and would it help? perhaps. positive thinking seems to work.

i have no answers. i am quite down.

nevertheless i stumble through life, and i cannot comprehend how to escape the suffering i experience except through the aid and support of others, and the vagaries of faith in a higher power. it is MOST frustrating for me, since my mind is the same mind I had when I WAS productive, effective, and happy, but i am NOT productive, effective, and happy.

it is the most frustrating experience i have ever had. it is more frustrating still with the awareness that life is there to be enjoyed yet for some reason i do not and seemingly can not, as if by some invisible obstacle that stops me. it is incomprehensible, frustrating, meaningless and irritating.

i will return to my Small Daily Steps philosophy tomorrow. today i want to vent a little. im okay really.